Tuesday, July 17, 2012

A Birthday Resolution

My Birthday has always been a day of solemn reflection, a day to look back on the year and think about what I’ve done, and who I’ve become since the last one. Truthfully, I make birthday resolutions the way normal people make new years resolutions - I probably stick to them as long as those people stick to theirs too.

When I was fifteen, I remember thinking: hey, by this time next year I’ll probably have a wonderful boyfriend and we’ll be soo in love. And then when sixteen hit a year later and I was still alone, I was actually sad about it. I was upset over something that hadn’t happened, even though I probably had plenty of things to be upset about that had actually happened. And oh boy, when seventeen came and still nothing – let’s just say I was a mental fucking wreck. And this wasn’t all about dating and love and typical teenage girl bullshit – I made goals for literally everything and had a timeline for every aspect of my life.

I soon realized, just after turning into a mental wreck at seventeen, that perhaps it was time to give up the birthday resolutions, that my goals just weren’t worth it when my year was finally up. Sadly, I’m a goal-oriented person and life just doesn’t seem right without at least a couple of goals to keep me moving forward. So I still make a few loose resolutions, a few simple guidelines for my life over the next year.

I’m 21 this year, and entering into my last year of my human sexuality program. Endings and new beginnings are on the horizon, and I can’t even begin to imagine where I’ll be this time next year. All I can hope is that these few resolutions keep me moving forward in the direction I always strive towards.

So here they are – my hope is that a year down the road someone will hold me accountable to them, if I don’t do so myself.  

I resolve to. . . be more fully myself in every aspect of my life. I don’t need to hide certain sides of myself that are, in many ways, the most important in my sense of self.

I resolve to . . . make my commitments wisely and see them through to the end. My word is all I have, and if it means nothing, then I have nothing.

I resolve to. . . live freely and in the moment, to be open to the experiences this year will undoubtedly grant me.

They’re only three small goals, three small resolutions that in a years time I only hope I’ll be able to look back and think: yes, I did all of these as often and with as much of myself as I could. I didn’t do it half-assed, no, I did it the best I could.

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