Wednesday, October 03, 2012

Open is Not an Option

There isn't much I would say is strictly off-limits.

But there is one thing, and it's not up for debate: welcoming others into our relationship (whether emotionally or sexually, as a couple or as individuals) will never happen. Not in this lifetime or the next.

I love poly people and I have profound respect for couples who swing, but it just isn't for me. An open relationship should be an option for anyone who decides that it's right for them, but it's just not an option for me/us.

I'm an incredibly jealous person, I'll own that. My whole family - primary and extended - jokes about my 'territorial' nature. I've always been that way - personally I blame it on being a twin. I grew up sharing everything - even now my sister and I still get gifts from family members for us to share despite the fact we live in different cities. I'm tired of sharing, even when it comes to the little things.

Want a piece of my chocolate bar? Bite me.

And that's sort of how I feel about RS.

We were both virgins when we met, and part of me liked knowing that he was mine and I was his. We each had the other, and neither of us had to share the other with anyone else, past or present.

Now I know this is problematic for far too many reasons to count, but it's how I feel, and I have to honour it.

Is it possessive? Sure, I'll own that. Is it an unrealistic expectation for a relationship and a partner? Probably. Do I think this 'belonging only to each other' is the scenario we should all strive towards? Hell no.

 RS isn't a chocolate bar, and he isn't an object I can possess and call mine. He is a person, and he belongs to himself, and he chooses to be with me.

He chooses to engage sexually with me, and we have negotiated our terms of such engagement; while we can both fantasize about threesomes, group sex, and orgies of all variety, we both know that such things can remain fantasy alone.

The truth is, sex isn't just sex to me - it's our sex. I could never find it in myself to share our sex with someone else, whether I was there or not. Perhaps my age is showing, and this naive twenty-one year old is still clinging to sex as something more than our twenty-first century feminism would like, but it's where I'm at, and I have to respect that. Not everyone feels the same, and they shouldn't - we all have to take stock and recognize where we're at and be content in that.

I know myself enough to know I could never happily negotiate an open relationship, and I know us enough to know it would only break us in the end.


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