Wednesday, April 17, 2013

91 Days Later

It's been 91 days since I posted anything here. Shocking? To be quite honest - not really.

A lot can happen in 91 days; my father passed away 86 days ago, and 7 days ago I completed my undergraduate degree. These are the two big ones, spread at opposite ends of the 91 day spectrum, and the reason of both why I left, and why I'm back here now.

When my father passed away 86 days ago at the beginning of my final term of my undergraduate degree, I couldn't help but feel as though I had lost a lot of momentum. I missed classes attempting to deal with funeral arrangements and I fell behind quickly - it's hard to get back into that 3 month sprint when you've spent so much time with only one foot out of the gate. One slip up and you're out of the running completely - that's how this past semester has felt.

I spent 74 days trying to gain back my momentum, trying to enjoy my last 3 months as a student and to cross the finish line at full speed with my arms raised high in celebration - and I did. But the truth is that now that it's done, I'm lost.

For the first few days after my final papers were handed in I occupied myself with cleaning and organizing my room and my life. I can breathe again in my own space and not feel claustrophobic and closed in by the mountains of papers and research piled high across my desk. But then the daily 'to-do list' dwindled away, and now I'm just lost.

I spent yesterday curled up in bed, crying on and off as I switched from old episodes of Criminal Minds, to Court TV, to Real Housewives (Beverly Hills), to Dragons Den and finally settling on old episodes of Friends for the remainder of my day. I couldn't stand the quiet, so I filled my entire day with noise, counting down the minutes until RS would be home from work. And even then I couldn't get it together long enough to ask him how his day was without bawling my eyes out.

I'm not the type of person who relishes doing nothing - I need to be excited and passionate about something, anything. And so I think back to the things that I've been passionate about over the years - I think about this blog and my love affairs with human sexuality, painting, drawing, sketching, doodling, writing, daydreaming. I think therefore I am, and I think therefore I plan.

Long story short - I'm back.


No comments:

Post a Comment